Slog: Stress Log (seize the day)

I've been having complex partial seizures for around a month now, and mostly didn't realize it, but lately I've been ignoring them or filing them in my brain as "weird space-out moments" when I, experienced seize-ee as I am, should have recognized first go around what these were, despite their shortness and frequency.

The first time I remember noticing was during practice scrimmage with SIRG. I couldn't "get my head in the game" and I kept thinking about that awful High School Musical song. The lights were strange.

Then, lately, while driving, I've had full body "hiccups" where I phase out and in, and within minutes, repeat the process. Now, the action has increased (but not in danger, I suppose) to phasing while sitting at work. Three times (I counted) from arrival at 8am until this writing at 10:30.

Within this period, I missed my medication one day, but if the SIRG scrimmage date is the same seizure, than this is not the cause. Also, I do not recall any incidents occurring on or directly after that day.  They feel almost like I am falling asleep and then being jerked awake--there is an electric current that zooms through my body and I come out of the phase. I suppose these blinks last only seconds, but I have not seen myself have one, so they could be longer.

I was talking to Angela about trying to find a safe way to get to work, assuming they don't let up on their own this weekend. She wondered what might be the cause of them, since I am on my medication. I suggested stress, since there seems to be no other potential answer, and I can't bear to entertain the thought that roller derby could be involved (in fact, I think that epilepsy patients are encouraged to be involved in physical activity...)

In any case, stress is a big part of my life. Despite being out of school and largely done with my graduate program, I have not, in fact, graduated. At some point, I will have a thesis to complete--that is not off the shelf. Of course, that is taking a back burner to my current projects.

I work from 8-5 every weekday. My job is not wholly demanding, but it does keep me occupied. I constantly take calls and field them to roughly 25 offices and three businesses in the building. I am the face of the company. I file incoming service calls. I log service calls that have been completed, and reported numbers for each machine. I am supposed to know where every member of the business is at all times to be able to reach them fastest. A mistake that I make could affect the paycheck of another.

While I work, I attempt to RP. This keeps me up on writing skills and socialization. It is also fun, but sometimes topics and even my characters can become overwhelming. While the experience itself is worthwhile, on top of everything else I do, it can be a bit much.

I try to keep roller derby out of the work day, but as the Web Coordinator, sometimes it just makes sense to update Facebook or Twitter during my free moments at work. All work on the forum or website, however, must be done at home because of my limited work resources. All of my practice hours are logged after 5pm, in a rush to change clothes and get to where I'm going--whether that be in Cape (the A.C. Brase Arena) or Marion/Carbondale. 

Nights off? Spent working on derby, discussing derby, meeting about derby, or occasionally, sitting at home, watching television, and talking about roller derby. Understandable, considering derby is the one connection through which I know my new friends, and there is a LOT to talk about, especially in this season when we are planning, planning, planning for two upcoming bouts and really getting off the ground, but constantly cycling through the same things and hacking apart the same issues can't be good for stress.

Weekends are usually derby-soaked as well. Last weekend, I found myself volunteering for two separate babysitting jobs simply to get away from the immersion culture for awhile. And, yes, while those jobs came with their own set of stresses, it was nice to get a bit of head clearing. I spent more time with them than I had to.

Thursday Itself:
Stress-- Back to work after being sick, messed up service tickets, Lura discussion at bar, hair
Remedy-- took it easy at work, hair therapy, alcohol
Food-- Culver's Butterburger w/cheese, fries, rootbeer float, mixed drink, 6 wings, fries
Sleep-- 1am-7:30am

Slog: .2

Pretty much everything in my life right now is a seizure trigger.

- diet (fast food, dairy, wheat)
- alcohol (not often, but often enough)
- illness (upper respiratory infection)
- medicine (I did miss one day recently, so that isn't helping)
- light/sound (I stare at three computer monitors all day, one of which is made of 16 tiny screens, listen to a repeating soundtrack of elevator music, am alerted to sounds like alarms on doors and telephones ringing)
- the biggie, stress

A lot of these can be changed. Alcohol is not an important part of my life; neither is fast food. However, a lot of people have made improvements by cutting out dairy and wheat, which are two pretty big staples in my diet (since I don't eat much in the way of fruits and veggies, I have to eat SOMETHING). This would need to be evaluated. I will get healthy eventually, and through dosing or a doctor change, I will get back on full medication.

Lights and sounds are every day issues that my body either needs to accommodate or be medicated to handle.  If this job is truly too... "high risk" for me at this time, then [here comes the OCD cycle thinking] I need to look into disability. Honestly, with an English major and this economic climate, every job available to me involves a computer screen.

As for stress, a lot of this involves finding long-term solutions. At this point in the league, we are building the entire future, not just this month. While I'm creating the website, I will be preventing myself from doing the same work a month from now. So this immense stress now won't be on me later.. and while that doesn't help now, it will be beneficial then. This will also help in future bouts, future skater relations.. all of which can potentially be more hands-off. Not awesome now, awesome later.

Another issue that has come to mind today, while seizing up more than once an hour, is whether this will interfere with roller derby. Of course I need to report what is happening to the training committee, but unless things get worse, this situation can only harm myself. I freeze on the track, am dazed for a moment... perhaps my team misses a point or a crucial block. Isn't that better than missing a player? After all, I have already played a scrimmage while phasing in and out, and the worst that happened was a big fall (and I'm sure that was more on account of inexperience than any malfunction). In any case, I need to be aware of my body's ability and stop denying to myself that this is happening.

If it means I have to skip work and get a ride to St Louis, I may have to keep that appointment. I hate to think that is the option.