oh god.

Mar. 21st, 2011 09:05 am
aphrodite_mine: barrettes in reddish hair read 'feminist killjoy' (big love - help jesus fuck)
The Big Love series finale aired yesterday.

*note: [livejournal.com profile] damariscain wrote a brilliant meta here on Deus Ex Machina.

Read more... )
aphrodite_mine: barrettes in reddish hair read 'feminist killjoy' (runaways - ch ch cherry bomb)
What you'll find below the cut: Meta on Degrassi: the Next Generation, Declan, Love Lockdown Parts 1 and 2, and rape. 

You can watch the episodes in question here: http://www.teennick.com/videos

Read more... )
aphrodite_mine: barrettes in reddish hair read 'feminist killjoy' (Default)
The past two weeks have been somewhat nightmarish. I've been caught in a spiral of guilt and paranoia and irrational thinking. Crisis mode at home really didn't help.

I normally wouldn't talk about a "cure" like this, but the change has been so... almost instant, and so dramatic, that I really need to stress what is going on.

Until yesterday, I had been eating basically fast food and soda for my one, sometimes two meals a day. Not awesome intake. I was reading up on things I could do to help with depression, and something I kept coming across was a change in diet. I remembered seeing it while researching epilepsy. The food recommendations were the same. Why not try it.

Yesterday for lunch, I bought a bunch of portable health foods (important for work): dried fruit, nuts, granola, juice and soy milk in small containers. I ate a sampling for lunch, and that afternoon started working on a chart to process things I was feeling irrationally guilty about. I could tell a difference between the things I wrote down right after lunch and what I wrote later, as the food and energy kicked in.

Derby practice... hard, but I felt good as usual.

And then this morning. I was able to wake up at the first alarm. I nibbled on snacks during the morning, continuing the healthy diet, was able to keep positive and guilt-free even though I was over-due for posting my femslash10 story and received an AWESOME 6k Mean Girls fic featuring JANIS IAN THE LESBIAN which I will link to once I've read all the fem10 fics and have a big giant link post together.

AND I finished before I went to lunch, thanks to my awesome writing partner Maia, and here it is:

http://community.livejournal.com/femslash10/18643.html (Whip It, Bliss/Pash)
aphrodite_mine: barrettes in reddish hair read 'feminist killjoy' (don't leave me)
 for future reference. And Now reference.

What is guilt? 

Guilt is:

* Feeling of responsibility for negative circumstances that have befallen yourself or others.
* Feeling of regret for your real or imagined misdeeds, both past and present.
* Sense of remorse for thoughts, feelings or attitudes that were or are negative, uncomplimentary or non-accepting concerning yourself or others.
* Feeling of obligation for not pleasing, not helping or not placating another.
* Feeling of bewilderment and lack of balance for not responding to a situation in your typical, stereotype manner.
* Feeling of loss and shame for not having done or said something to someone who is no longer available to you.
* Accepting of responsibility for someone else's misfortune or problem because it bothers you to see that person suffer.
* Motivator to amend all real or perceived wrongs.
* Strong moral sense of right and wrong that inhibits you from choosing a "wrong" course of action; however, you assign your own definitions to the words.
* Driving force or mask behind which irrational beliefs hide. 

How do others play on your feelings of guilt? 

People can and sometimes will:

* Make you believe they will suffer greatly if you do not respond positively to their request(s).
* Call on your guilt to respond to their requests, even when it means violating your rights.
* Respond to your irrational self by reinforcing your irrational thinking, giving you a sense of blame, for past, present or future actions.
* Build up a verbal or imagined scenario that portrays you at fault for inaction, thus guaranteeing your sense of guilt and your willingness to do anything to alleviate it.
* Accuse you of misdeeds, words or actions to arouse your sense of guilt and make you believe you are the one with a problem in an interpersonal relationship difficulty. (This effectively takes the pressure off of them.)
* Reinforce your negative self-perceptions, encouraging you to be guilt ridden and self-judgmental for their benefit.
* Build a case with moral absolutes to convince you of the "right way" to do things, avoiding that negative feeling of guilt for themselves.
* Set up situations for you in which you will believe your alternatives are limited to that which results in the least sense of guilt.
* Feign or fake hardship, illness, discomfort, unhappiness, incompetence or other negative behavior to arouse your sense of guilt and have you take over those tasks or duties bringing imagined negative consequences for them.
* Threaten negative consequences, like going to jail, to the hospital, to the juvenile detention center, failing school, dying or divorcing you. This manipulation uses your guilt to benefit them.

What can guilt do to you? 

Guilt can:

* Make you become over responsible, striving to make life "right." You overwork. You over give of yourself. You are willing to do anything in your attempt to make everyone happy.
* Make you over conscientious. You fret over every action you take as to its possible negative consequence to others, even if this means that you must ignore your needs and wants.
* Make you over sensitive. You see decisions about right and wrong in every aspect of your life and become obsessed with the tenuous nature of all of your personal actions, words and decisions. You are sensitive to the cues of others where any implication of your wrong doing is intimated.
* Immobilize you. You can become so overcome by the fear of doing, acting, saying or being "wrong" that you eventually collapse, give in, and choose inactivity, silence and the status quo.
* Interfere in your decision making. It is so important to always be "right" in your decisions that you become unable to make a decision lest it be a wrong one.
* Be hidden by the mask of self denial. Because it is less guilt inducing to take care of others first, instead of yourself, you hide behind the mask of self denial. You honestly believe it is better to serve others first, unaware that "guilt" is the motivator for such "generous" behavior.

* Make you ignore the full array of emotions and feelings available to you. Overcome by guilt or the fear of it, you can become emotionally blocked or closed off. You are able neither to enjoy the positive fruits of life nor experience the negative aspects.
* Be a motivator to change. Because you feel guilt and the discomfort it brings, you can use it as a barometer of the need to change things in your life and rid yourself of the guilt.
* Be a mask for negative self belief. You may actually have low self-esteem, but claim the reason for your negativity is the overwhelming sense of guilt you experience.
* Mislead or misdirect you. Because many irrational beliefs lie behind guilt, you may be unable to sort out your feelings. It is important to be objective with yourself when you are experiencing guilt; be sure that your decisions are based on sound, rational thinking. 

What irrational beliefs or negative self-scripts are involved in guilt? 

* I do not deserve to be happy.
* I am responsible for my family's (spouse's) happiness.
* There is only one "right" way to do things.
* It's bad to feel hurt and pain.
* My children should never suffer in their childhood like I did in mine.
* My kids should have more material things than I did.
* It is my fault if others in my life are not happy.
* If my kids fail in any way, it's my responsibility.
* It is wrong to be concerned about myself.
* People are constantly judging me, and their judgment is important to me.
* It is important to save face with others.
* It is wrong to accept the negative aspects of my life without believing that I am responsible for them myself.
* I am responsible if either positive or negative events happen to the members of my family.
* I must not enjoy myself during a time when others expect me to be in mourning, grief or loss.
* You must never let down your guard; something you're doing could be evil or wrong.
* I must always be responsible, conscientious and giving to others.
* How others perceive me is important as to how I perceive myself.
* No matter what I do, I am always wrong.
* I should never feel guilt.
* If you feel guilt, then you must be or have been wrong. 

Suggested steps to overcome guilt. 

Step 1: You can recognize the role guilt is playing in your life by choosing a current problem and answering the following questions in your journal:

a. What problem is currently troubling me?
b. Who is responsible for the problem?
c. Whose problem is it, really?
d. What did I do to make this problem worse for myself?
e. How much guilt do I feel about this problem?
f. How much does the guilt I experience exaggerate or exacerbate my problem?
g. If I felt no more guilt what would my problem look like then?

If the answer to question "g" is that your problem can be solved by reducing guilt, go to Step 2.

Step 2: Redefine your problem with the absence of guilt as an issue.
In answering the questions in Step 1, you recognized that guilt was preventing resolution of the problem. To redefining your problem, answer the following questions in your journal:

1. How insurmountable is the problem?
2. Is this problem an interpersonal or intrapersonal problem?
3. If it is interpersonal: Can I help the other person and myself to set aside guilt and resolve this problem?
4. If it is intrapersonal: Can I set aside guilt or the fear of it and resolve this problem?
5. Does this problem have more than one solution? Can others and myself experience satisfaction, comfort and resolution with a minimum of debilitating guilt?
6. Whose problem is it, really?
7. Is it my problem or another(s)?
8. Am I taking on another's responsibility?
9. Am I trying to keep another from experiencing pain, hardship or discomfort? 

Step 3: If the problem is really someone else's, give the problem back to the person(s) to solve and to deal with. If the problem is yours, go to Step 4.

Step 4: You must confront the real or imagined guilt or fear of guilt preventing you from either handing the problem back to the person(s) whose problem it really is (Step 3) or from handling the problem on your own. Consider the following:

a. What fears are blocking me at this moment from taking the steps I need to resolve this problem?
b. What are the irrational beliefs behind these fears?
c. Refute the irrational beliefs using the steps given in " Handling Irrational Beliefs ."'
d. Initiate a program of self-affirmation as presented in " Self-Affirmations ."
e. Use an imagery scenario with "guilt" as an object you packaged in a nice box. It is brought to a mountain top and thrown off a cliff for good.
f. Affirm for yourself that:
* You deserve to solve this problem. 
* You deserve to be good to yourself.
* You deserve to have others be good to you, too! 

Step 5: If your guilt is not resolved after completing Steps 3 and/or 4, return to Step 1 and begin again.

Read more: http://www.livestrong.com/article/14689-handling-guilt/#ixzz0xoojhCAn

aphrodite_mine: barrettes in reddish hair read 'feminist killjoy' (runaways - ch ch cherry bomb)
I'm quite sick. Upper respiratory infection. On meds, but that isn't stopping the fever and raw throat from keeping me in bed (and home from work and derby).

I would appreciate the time off, but I can't manage to read, or really watch a movie, or do any of the work here that needs catching up on. And isn't that always how it goes.

Not sure if I've caught this from my derby wife, or if this is just the consequence of finally getting to hang around kids twice last week when I've only been around adults for about four years.

Much love.
aphrodite_mine: barrettes in reddish hair read 'feminist killjoy' (rpf - eh - desperate)
--> Cyber stalker alert: http://emigree.livejournal.com/52781.html. Please read for information.

--> Things I watched today:
+ Episodes 901-909 of Degrassi TNG. I'm into new territory for me. SO excited for the new season to kick off in a few weeks. My favorite characters are Jane, Fiona and Declan, so I'm glad I picked up Fi as an RP character :)
+ New True Blood. Every episode of this season (and last) has been sickening and ragey. It's a friend groupwatch activity or I might quit the show. I am bored with half of the plots this season, a few are interesting, and some are just downright horrifying (not *scary*, but... awful.) I need to write about this, I just can't stomach the thought.
+ Hounddog. I've seen the movie before, and I liked it better and worse on the second viewing. Explanation: I could appreciate it this time through as a strictly "southern gothic" venture into storytelling. That said, even knowing that everything is going to be a bit over the top, the excessive symbolism got to me. Some things work on the page, or work in experimental film, and just don't really translate in a serious way to film, at least not a film that seems to be taking itself "mainstream" for the majority of the film. Hounddog needs to find its niche earlier on and stick there, rather than dancing in and out of stereotypes and relying on banjo music. It also thinks that it is racially progressive when it falls back on the same old "magical negro" syndrome of many old southern lit--especially films. That said, it isn't a bad film. And the controversial rape scene is hardly even one, even when compared to my metaphorical issues with True Blood.
+ Childrens Hospital, the first episode. This used to be a web series and has now been picked up by Adult Swim. During July they'll be running the webisodes as full episodes, and in August "season 2" will begin. The show mocks hospital dramas, and is hilarious. The cast is first rate, borrowing from top comedies like Party Down and Parks & Recreation. I can't wait to see more, and I'm so glad I'm catching this from the beginning.

--> Also reading? Scott Pilgrim graphic novel series. I love it so far, but I will refrain from further comment until I get caught up and can do a write up. [[livejournal.com profile] meganbmoore, Ramona is an "American Ninja", thankfully, and not a half-ninja, as AfterEllen.com erroneously reported.]

On oil

May. 27th, 2010 07:13 pm
aphrodite_mine: barrettes in reddish hair read 'feminist killjoy' (the l word - glasses mcphee)
Last night I had a date in Paducah. I got lost on the way there, due to attempting a new route. This resulted in an 1.5 hour drive taking an extra hour, and using up the rest of my gas tank. So, after the date, which went well, I had to fill up before making the trip home.

After getting turned around again (I've been trouble since my brother demanded I give back his GPS) I got back to the highway and decided on Fivestar. I had been thinking earlier that when I got gas eventually I wouldn't fill up at BP--you know, to protest my $20 worth.

Being unfamiliar with Kentucky's branding, I pulled into the station and unscrewed the gas cap. Fivestar... was a BP station. And friends? This is a confession. While I couldn't see another gas station there was certainly another brand nearby (I confirmed this later), however I didn't even consider leaving.

"I'll just get less than $20 dollars," I said to myself, trying to appease the guilt.

I stared at the green and yellow logo while the gas pumped, and pictured in my mind the images of the spill I had just watched on television days before. I grumbled under my breath about how stupid BP was. "What an awful company." I watched the numbers flick past. 18... 19...

My hand twitched on the grip.

20...

Twitch... but I didn't release the pressure.

21. Full tank*.

--

The point? Things aren't always what they seem. A fairly innocuous-looking gas station could be a BP, and a liberal-minded girl who talks the talk might really be too lazy to do the right thing when it comes down to real life.

Maybe I'll do better next time.

*Yes, I can get a full tank for around 20 dollars. Yes, my car is awesome and gets about 30 miles to the gallon. Yes, gas is pretty cheep in the Midwest.
aphrodite_mine: barrettes in reddish hair read 'feminist killjoy' (glee - quinn hates you)
Hi guys! I don't want the ~wrong impression~ to start circulating about me, so despite being honest and up front all over the place, I figured I would go ahead and post here.

-- Skins season 4 is shitting all over my dreams. It is pretentious and bullshit. The fact that they had to make up a whole contrived plotline just to keep things going another measly eight episodes is absolutely ridiculous.

-- After two episodes, I'm so angry/done with Emily that I can't even see straight. Mention Emily on my journal and you just might get de-friended. Not joking.

-- The only characters I care about are Naomi (half for the lulz, half cause she's still in character!), Katie, Cook, and maybe JJ-- we'll see if I can be assed once his episode comes around.

-- Writing fic, for me, does not mean I'm fucking flailing around over this show. It's a method of deconstruction. Which this show needs. I am NOT FLAILING OVER THIS SHOW. In fact, you all might have to forgive me if I unfriend those of you who are, because it's making me pissy--no offence to the OPs.

-- And, like, just for the record: I spent probably a total of 45 minutes yesterday laughing my ass off over how fucking ridiculous this show is. So yeah. I'm not exactly the number one fan of this season.

...unfriend at will.
aphrodite_mine: barrettes in reddish hair read 'feminist killjoy' (skins - tony)
Read more... )

I was thinking I would try to be clever and make this the same picture, but I'm recovering from having a swab up my nasal cavity. I'm not that amazing! Hmm, let's see what I have in my folders here...

Day 7, a photo that makes me happy:



Day 8, a photo that makes me angry/sad:


Looks like Roy, isn't Roy. Is Spike. Thanks Dad, for sending him back to the pound. Not.
aphrodite_mine: barrettes in reddish hair read 'feminist killjoy' (skins - effy likes drugs)
Title: the curses through my teeth
Author: [livejournal.com profile] aphrodite_mine
Info: Katie/Effy/Naomi, series of extended drabbles based on St. Vincent's "Actor."
Word Count: Total ~4700
Note: Bear with me here. This is something new. And... the storyline's not entirely linear. I blame this on me being a pretentious asshole.
For [livejournal.com profile] curt_tone. You're everyone, to me.

1. The Stranger (Naomi)
2. Save Me from What I Want (Effy)
3. The Neighbors (Katie)
4. Actor Out of Work (Naomi)
5. Black Rainbow (Effy)
6. Laughing With a Mouth Full of Blood (Katie)
7. Marrow (Naomi)
8. The Bed (Effy)
9. The Party (Katie)
10. Just the Same But Brand New (Naomi)
11. The Sequel (Effy) [this section only NC-17]
Bonus Track. Bicycle (Katie)
aphrodite_mine: barrettes in reddish hair read 'feminist killjoy' (ap - sometimes she flies)
Stolen from [livejournal.com profile] sinandmisery, and tweaked.

1. Pick a letter.
2. Pick a theme starting with said letter.
3. Pick a fandom or crossover and a character and pairing.
(Example: F is for Fashion, Emily/Serena [Devil Wears Prada])
4. Receive drabble/ficlet.

- RPF and Original fandom are seperate entities.
- Each letter may only be chosen once.

A: is for Anything: Emily/Effy (Skins/Transatlanticism) for [livejournal.com profile] siviusx
B: is for Bananas: Katie/JJ (Skins) for [livejournal.com profile] snowwhit2189
C: is for Clients: Michael/Pam (The Office)for [livejournal.com profile] midnightxgarden
D: is for Drugs: Effy/Tony (Skins) for [livejournal.com profile] curt_tone
E: is for Ecstasy: Kaya/Nick (Skins RPF) for [livejournal.com profile] xthe_ingenue
F:
G:
H: is for Hypnotize: Emma/Jean (X-Men) for [livejournal.com profile] velvet_talon
I: is for Impulse: Bliss/Bloody Holly (Whip It) for [livejournal.com profile] poisonarrows
J: is for Jam: Orenda Fink/Jenny Lewis (Indie Music RPF) for [livejournal.com profile] nalakaori_chan
K: is for Kaleidoscope: Lily/Kat (Skins RPF) for [livejournal.com profile] jengrrrl
L: is for Love: Lauren Reed/Sark (Alias) for [livejournal.com profile] distractedone
M: is for Mexico: Jenna/Rashida (The Office RPF) for [livejournal.com profile] nalakaori_chan
N: is for Never: Nicki/Sarah (Big Love) for [livejournal.com profile] prozacpark
O: is for Obvious: Karen/Pam/Jim (The Office) for [livejournal.com profile] piperrhiannon
P: is for Paparazzi: Demi/Selena (Disney RPF) for [livejournal.com profile] likecharity
Q: is for Quickly: Emma Watson 2001/Emma Watson 2009 (Harry Potter RPF) for [livejournal.com profile] aphrodite_mine // is for Quit: Mia/Ellie (Degrassi) for [livejournal.com profile] fishy73
R: is for Rain: Emily/Naomi (Skins) for [livejournal.com profile] twistomatic
S: is for Sneaking Out: Darcy/Jane (Degrassi) for [livejournal.com profile] velvet_talon
T: is for Tits: Cuddy for [livejournal.com profile] thegraduate09
U: is for "Unrequited": Darcy/Jane (Degrassi) for [livejournal.com profile] lunderpope
V: is for Vixen: Libby/Daisy (Carnivale/Dead Like Me) for [livejournal.com profile] prozacpark
W: is for "Wrong": Erica/Dr. Tom (Being Erica) for [livejournal.com profile] poisonarrows
X:
Y: is for Yearn: Naomi/Emily (Skins) for meeee.
Z: is for Zoo: Naomi/Katie (Skins/Trans) for [livejournal.com profile] curt_tone

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